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FASHION FRIDAY: Transatlantic Traveling

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Maven here, writing from chilly London where my business name sounds like a joke (“Oh, you’re the English Maven? Maven of what? We’re all English.” Insert squinty eye.)

So, after lugging a giant broken suitcase all the way to our rented apartment in posh Maida Vale, I’ve come up with a few things it would be nice to have when one is crossing the pond. This takes into account the weekend spent in Dublin, which may have been the coldest, rainiest, funnest (I know) three days ever.

Side note: Dubliners are much nicer than Londoners. Must be all that Irish whiskey.

SPEAKING OF WHICH:

Did I mention it's triple-distilled?
Did I mention it’s triple-distilled?

Drunkify your phone with a Jameson Irish Whiskey case from seller matamucux. Having personally toured the Old Jameson Distillery in Dublin a few days ago, I can vouch for its all-around amazingness. They also harp strangely on the fact that Jameson, unlike other whiskeys, is triple distilled. Makes it smoother. Like you, when you use this phone case in place of a pickup line.

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* Will not work on T-shirt-wearing slobs.

Accessorize your hangover with sterling silver cufflinks featuring an antique map of Dublin, from seller AnneHolman. They’re expensive, but when you consider the cost of a flight to Ireland, $119 starts looking pretty good. Just watch “The Boondock Saints” and pretend Sean Patrick Flanery is your boyfriend.

Icy stare of the Brits demonstrated here.
Icy stare of the Brits demonstrated here.

Now that I’m in London, I find myself wishing for some sort of glare-deflecting shield against British condescension. Enter this veiled fascinator from seller EllenMarieDesign, which has just enough birdcage veil to say, “Fuck off, I’m fashionable.”

(Really, it’s only some English servicepeople that seem to hate Americans. But I hear they hate the French much more, so I’m taking solace in that.)

Not to scale, unless you are a proton.
Not to scale, unless you are a proton.

If you’re still interested in visiting London after the last item, congratulations: have this cuff by seller JezebelCharms. It’ll keep you from getting lost while you wander around, too scared to ask for directions. Also, it just looks good.

Real talk: London is a lot like most other big cities in terms of diversity, sights to see, and residents’ friendliness. It’s just that here, everything is about a thousand years old, and they’re still mad King George lost the war.

FASHION FRIDAY: Clubbing for Introverts

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re like me (you’re not), you like to go out. But you also like to stay in. And above all, you like to be comfortable.

Behold: a selection of Etsyness to make all three choices possible. Pro tip: Don’t wear pajamas to a nightclub. It’s unbecoming.

Just don’t look at her shoes.

Adding to my love affair with all things jersey (except the state and all residents, accents, and weather therein), this dress from seller PRIEMLOV has the fitted (sort of) silhouette that most associate with DA CLUB, but it’s made of stretchy, comfortable jersey fabric. So you can eat as much overpriced sushi as you want before tottering in heels to the private party next door. OR, wear Oxfords and read on.

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What would the Victorians say??

Oxford shoes have become a thing lately, appearing with any and all outfits, at least for those of you with elfin feet. They’re better than heels for most things you do with your feet; walking comes to mind. At a monstrously unfeminine size 8, these bedazzled kicks from seller LazyBunni are pushing it a bit, but hey–we giants have to try.

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Don’t worry, no math nerds will hit on you here. Or anywhere, really.

In the darkness of the club, introverts need jewelry that stands out. Try this geometric cuff from seller PeaceLoveBeach on for size; though a bit pink for my taste, it’s made of lightweight aluminum, so your arms won’t get tired from all the fist-pumping.

Handy. LITERALLY.
Handy. LITERALLY.

If you can never relax on the dance floor because you’re worried about your purse being stolen from the booth where you left it, take a deep breath and an Atavan, and also grab yourself this clutch from seller LaMuseChic. It’s got a wrist handle, so you can fling it awkwardly about as you try to Soulja Boi or whatever the kids are doing these days.

Have fun tonight! Or stay home and read a book. Whatever you do, do you.

FASHION FRIDAY: Teatime and Feminism

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Friday is for fancy things. And what could be fancier than tea? (Not kidding. Look up “high tea fashion,” or just trust me when I tell you it is SRS BZNS.) So for all your tea needs (teads?), I’ve rounded up this amusing collection of tea-inspired accessories, courtesy, as always, of Etsy.

Did I know it would end up being half biting feminism, half innocuous tea items? Nope, but fair warning.

What ribcage?
What ribcage?

Back to high tea–here’s how you’re supposed to look while you’re enjoying it, according to seller okbridal. Be careful not to actually eat or drink while in this dress, as you may destroy the impression that you are a delicate ladywaif.

You're nuts if you need this.
You’re nuts if you need this.

Did you know there was such a thing as a tea wallet? This thing from seller SewitGirl is exactly what it sounds like: a wallet to hold teabags for intrepid tea-drinking travelers. Sound like something you need? Absolutely not, unless you’re a total lunatic.

So simple. So happy.
So simple. So happy.

Next up we have a wacky little “kawaii” charm, which you can put on your phone, because that thing is probably not heavy enough. Made by seller Colorful2Creative, it’s a teabag! Modeled after the kind that makes delicious hot beverages, not the kind you get arrested for.

For those times you feel like making him a sandwich.
For those times you feel like making him a sandwich.

Finally, we all know a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Cement your domain with this feminine apron from seller stitchnquilt, imaginatively photographed in the backyard, where it will never get to go (unless you’re gardening).

What’s your favorite kind of tea? Want to get together and read Gloria Steinem over an herbal blend? I’m oolong-ing to hear your thoughts.

FASHION FRIDAY: Time Warp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last week marked the first instance since the dawn of time beginning of Fashion Friday that I failed to supply you, my faithful reader(s), with a careful selection of excellent Etsy accessories, and an avalanche of snark.

Mea culpa! If only there were more hours in the day. With that in mind, here are a few Etsy finds to make you think you’re a time traveler. Who? Dr. Who. Just kidding; not a fan of that show, though I am partial to this necktie.

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Back to the 60s? Yes please.

Lest you can tell I searched “time warp” on Etsy to get started, here’s a handmade skirt from seller BristolinBloom. She named it after the fabric pattern, which evokes the snow crash of a TV on the fritz (hat tip to author Neal Stephenson for coining that term, along with one of the best sci-fi lit books ever).

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Be cog-nizant of your style.

Next up, this deliciously steampunk necklace from seller AbsyntheDesign. Does it tell time? No, but neither do you at the moment, remember?

What time is it? Club o’clock.

In case you do need to know what time it is when you materialize in pre-industrial America (read: wilderness), this killer vintage Kronatron watch from seller helenaaleixoglamour will provide both the hour and a nifty treasure with which to barter your life. Alternatively, journey back to the 70s from whence this timepiece came, and watch the ladies flock to you.

It is “essttential” that you spell your tattoo correctly.

Finally, write yourself a Memento-style note with this temporary tattoo from seller TattooKorea. It won’t actually help you remember anything, because it’s an inspirational Antoine St-Exupery quote, but you’ll look like a literary badass, which historically has always been cool. Just kidding–I just noticed the tattoo is spelled wrong. Don’t buy it.

Got time to comment? Do it.

FASHION FRIDAY: April Showers

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Now Entering Rainville, Population: Blah.

I can only thrust my feet into my sole (GET IT) pair of rainboots and sling on my raincoat so many times before plunging into a deep puddle of depression. Luckily, Etsy offers a few remedies, for those of you with play money.

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Elegant waif not included.

This killer raincoat by seller BridgetBergmanDesign will make you into a rain pixie, or thunder elf, or whatever else you want to call “not looking like you’re wearing a Hefty bag”. Unfortunately, this dream comes at a…precipitously high price.

Rimshot.

Hey rain. Let's tango.
Hey rain. Let’s tango.

Anyway, if your rainy-day budget is a little lower but you still want to feel fabulous, and you happen to wear a size 8 (ladies; sorry, fabulous menfolk), check out these vintage galoshes from seller purevintageclothing. Are they rain boots? Cowboy boots? Impermeable rubber shitkickers? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Olive a little.
Olive a little.

This geometric green Totes rain scarf from seller luola channels Grace Kelly straight onto your head/neck (I’m envisioning it draped over my perfectly coiffed hair, with a pair of oversized sunglasses and some poor schmuck to carry my many, many shopping bags). It repels the rain! It is made of magic.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait...I mean...
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait…I mean…

Last but not least, I would kill a child for this Morton Salt Girl umbrella from seller REdesignkc. Look at my face. I’m not kidding.

What are you wearing to get you through spring showers?