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FASHION FRIDAY: Clubbing for Introverts

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re like me (you’re not), you like to go out. But you also like to stay in. And above all, you like to be comfortable.

Behold: a selection of Etsyness to make all three choices possible. Pro tip: Don’t wear pajamas to a nightclub. It’s unbecoming.

Just don’t look at her shoes.

Adding to my love affair with all things jersey (except the state and all residents, accents, and weather therein), this dress from seller PRIEMLOV has the fitted (sort of) silhouette that most associate with DA CLUB, but it’s made of stretchy, comfortable jersey fabric. So you can eat as much overpriced sushi as you want before tottering in heels to the private party next door. OR, wear Oxfords and read on.

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What would the Victorians say??

Oxford shoes have become a thing lately, appearing with any and all outfits, at least for those of you with elfin feet. They’re better than heels for most things you do with your feet; walking comes to mind. At a monstrously unfeminine size 8, these bedazzled kicks from seller LazyBunni are pushing it a bit, but hey–we giants have to try.

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Don’t worry, no math nerds will hit on you here. Or anywhere, really.

In the darkness of the club, introverts need jewelry that stands out. Try this geometric cuff from seller PeaceLoveBeach on for size; though a bit pink for my taste, it’s made of lightweight aluminum, so your arms won’t get tired from all the fist-pumping.

Handy. LITERALLY.
Handy. LITERALLY.

If you can never relax on the dance floor because you’re worried about your purse being stolen from the booth where you left it, take a deep breath and an Atavan, and also grab yourself this clutch from seller LaMuseChic. It’s got a wrist handle, so you can fling it awkwardly about as you try to Soulja Boi or whatever the kids are doing these days.

Have fun tonight! Or stay home and read a book. Whatever you do, do you.

FASHION FRIDAY: Teatime and Feminism

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Friday is for fancy things. And what could be fancier than tea? (Not kidding. Look up “high tea fashion,” or just trust me when I tell you it is SRS BZNS.) So for all your tea needs (teads?), I’ve rounded up this amusing collection of tea-inspired accessories, courtesy, as always, of Etsy.

Did I know it would end up being half biting feminism, half innocuous tea items? Nope, but fair warning.

What ribcage?
What ribcage?

Back to high tea–here’s how you’re supposed to look while you’re enjoying it, according to seller okbridal. Be careful not to actually eat or drink while in this dress, as you may destroy the impression that you are a delicate ladywaif.

You're nuts if you need this.
You’re nuts if you need this.

Did you know there was such a thing as a tea wallet? This thing from seller SewitGirl is exactly what it sounds like: a wallet to hold teabags for intrepid tea-drinking travelers. Sound like something you need? Absolutely not, unless you’re a total lunatic.

So simple. So happy.
So simple. So happy.

Next up we have a wacky little “kawaii” charm, which you can put on your phone, because that thing is probably not heavy enough. Made by seller Colorful2Creative, it’s a teabag! Modeled after the kind that makes delicious hot beverages, not the kind you get arrested for.

For those times you feel like making him a sandwich.
For those times you feel like making him a sandwich.

Finally, we all know a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Cement your domain with this feminine apron from seller stitchnquilt, imaginatively photographed in the backyard, where it will never get to go (unless you’re gardening).

What’s your favorite kind of tea? Want to get together and read Gloria Steinem over an herbal blend? I’m oolong-ing to hear your thoughts.

FASHION FRIDAY: Time Warp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last week marked the first instance since the dawn of time beginning of Fashion Friday that I failed to supply you, my faithful reader(s), with a careful selection of excellent Etsy accessories, and an avalanche of snark.

Mea culpa! If only there were more hours in the day. With that in mind, here are a few Etsy finds to make you think you’re a time traveler. Who? Dr. Who. Just kidding; not a fan of that show, though I am partial to this necktie.

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Back to the 60s? Yes please.

Lest you can tell I searched “time warp” on Etsy to get started, here’s a handmade skirt from seller BristolinBloom. She named it after the fabric pattern, which evokes the snow crash of a TV on the fritz (hat tip to author Neal Stephenson for coining that term, along with one of the best sci-fi lit books ever).

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Be cog-nizant of your style.

Next up, this deliciously steampunk necklace from seller AbsyntheDesign. Does it tell time? No, but neither do you at the moment, remember?

What time is it? Club o’clock.

In case you do need to know what time it is when you materialize in pre-industrial America (read: wilderness), this killer vintage Kronatron watch from seller helenaaleixoglamour will provide both the hour and a nifty treasure with which to barter your life. Alternatively, journey back to the 70s from whence this timepiece came, and watch the ladies flock to you.

It is “essttential” that you spell your tattoo correctly.

Finally, write yourself a Memento-style note with this temporary tattoo from seller TattooKorea. It won’t actually help you remember anything, because it’s an inspirational Antoine St-Exupery quote, but you’ll look like a literary badass, which historically has always been cool. Just kidding–I just noticed the tattoo is spelled wrong. Don’t buy it.

Got time to comment? Do it.

FASHION FRIDAY: April Showers

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Now Entering Rainville, Population: Blah.

I can only thrust my feet into my sole (GET IT) pair of rainboots and sling on my raincoat so many times before plunging into a deep puddle of depression. Luckily, Etsy offers a few remedies, for those of you with play money.

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Elegant waif not included.

This killer raincoat by seller BridgetBergmanDesign will make you into a rain pixie, or thunder elf, or whatever else you want to call “not looking like you’re wearing a Hefty bag”. Unfortunately, this dream comes at a…precipitously high price.

Rimshot.

Hey rain. Let's tango.
Hey rain. Let’s tango.

Anyway, if your rainy-day budget is a little lower but you still want to feel fabulous, and you happen to wear a size 8 (ladies; sorry, fabulous menfolk), check out these vintage galoshes from seller purevintageclothing. Are they rain boots? Cowboy boots? Impermeable rubber shitkickers? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Olive a little.
Olive a little.

This geometric green Totes rain scarf from seller luola channels Grace Kelly straight onto your head/neck (I’m envisioning it draped over my perfectly coiffed hair, with a pair of oversized sunglasses and some poor schmuck to carry my many, many shopping bags). It repels the rain! It is made of magic.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait...I mean...
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait…I mean…

Last but not least, I would kill a child for this Morton Salt Girl umbrella from seller REdesignkc. Look at my face. I’m not kidding.

What are you wearing to get you through spring showers?

FASHION FRIDAY: Relax.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Guten magen, all mein little lieblings! This week’s Fashion Friday is sponsored by Anxiety Attax. I capitalized that phrase because I am totally starting a band with that name. It’ll be the next big thing; you heard it here first.

No, for real–and I think I’ve said this before–sometimes clothes can make a big difference in calming you down when life pelts you with giant rock-hard lemons. Here are my Etsy picks for ultimate comfort accessories and clothes (benzodiazepines not included):

What’s up, sloth? Oh you know, JUST HANGIN OUT

Seriously slow your roll with this soft jersey scarf from seller ZenThreads, which features the godfather of all “DILLIGAF” animals: the majestic sloth. Recently, I learned that sometimes sloths mistake their own arms for branches, grab at themselves, and fall to their deaths. But they’re not stressing about it, so why should you?

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Going nowhere fast

Next we have socks, from seller GraceandLaceCo. Why socks? Because you wear socks when you don’t have a single obligation. Shoes are for getting stuff done. Socks, on the other hand, are for deliberate shirking-of-duties, or celebration when aforementioned duties are completed. The higher the sock, the more you chill. Time-tested, Lianna-approved. This pair has tassels, allowing your legs to double as cat toys.

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Precipitously adorable.

If you feel like your parade is constantly being rained on, try pinning on this brooch by seller MySelvagedLife. Shaped like a cloud but made of maps, it’s a little reminder that the world is bigger than your current troubles. Clearly it’s working, because these little finds are on pre-order.

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KAPOW

Since you’re presumably still naked after my first three picks, slip on this kickass vintage wrap dress from seller MEMORAREvintage. Its gorgeous blue will lighten your mood, and the red contrast lining makes it impossible not to start constructing your superhero background story. And it’s a wrap dress, so forget about sizing anxiety. I’m actually kind of worried about listing this here because I so badly want to buy it.

I would have written a post about how I really de-stress, but the word “CHOCOLATE” isn’t really a post by itself.

So how do you relax?

FASHION FRIDAY: Ch-ch-changes

Fashion Friday Logo

Welcome to the first Fashion Friday outside of Fan Quarterly! Like a baby butterfly, I’m spreading my wings and looking for better analogies.

In case you’re new here, I’ve been writing this thing called Fashion Friday for FanQuarterly.com for just over a year now. Fan Quarterly is soon to be no more–so I’m taking matters into my own hands. And the gloves are coming off.

Today’s items are inspired by life’s changes: specifically, moving house, marriage, menopause, and…actual coin change.

It’s called a “Samoosa,” probably because it looks edible.

Because I enjoy being hyperliteral, let’s kick things off with this change pouch by seller maykobags. In case you’re blind, it’s a triangle, which certainly sets it apart from conventional rectangular bags. Don’t just limit yourself to coin change, though! Imagine all the other things you could put in this little stash cache (which also comes in orange leather and black rubber): toothpicks, breath mints, nail clippings.

I <3 NY, GET IT GUYS???

Next up is this necklace by seller walkonthemoon, made from an ancient artifact of public transit: the subway token. Gather round, children, and let me tell you of a time before MetroCard. Requisite glass jewel heart drives home the fact that you are in love with being nostalgic for things you never used.

I pause, you pause, we all pause for menopause!

You probably thought I was joking when I said “menopause” up above. I wasn’t. Type “menopause” into Etsy’s search and you get all sorts of herbal teas, elixirs, a weird “menopausal” nightgown (which appears to be no different than regular nightgowns. Maybe it’s made of rage?) and this impressive necklace by seller chichigemmes. It’s made of chunks of pink opal, apparently useful in aiding menopausal symptoms. Give it a try; chances are it’s more subtle than hot flashes.

Hide your face with lace!

Finally, marriage is a big change for most people. Something about that “till death” part is intimidating; I can’t imagine why. Ease your transition into being one-half of a yawn-inducing married couple with seller FleursdeParis lacy fascinator, perfect for a classy bride. Honestly, I’d get married for this hat.

Questions? Comments? Blinded by the new format? Think I should stop writing forever? Holla: lianna@theenglishmaven.com.