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FASHION FRIDAY: Spring Sparkles

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Good morning, you sexy fiends.

Okay, so it’s not morning–I got a bit of a late start. No matter. I went to the gym today (who am I?) and am chock-full of energy to bring you EVERYTHING that sparkles on Etsy.

And by that, I mean four of the best sparkly things, because I don’t have all day. Let’s do this:

Green Amethyst Ring
Like a bug’s eye, but less gross and horrible.

Since it’s February, we should start with the February birthstone. But that’s amethyst, and I hate purple. So instead, check out this green amethyst ring from seller DaniqueJewelry! Did you know green amethyst was a thing? I’m skeptical.

Labradorite Earrings
*Not made from real Labradors.

Oh my god, look at these labradorite earrings from seller Ringsland. They are so sparkly, it’s like the night sky being crammed into your earlobes! Who needs astronomy? I’ve got jewelry.

Giant Gem Necklace
My preshusssss.

I wasn’t messing around when I said I would find all of the sparkles on Etsy. Fully half of them are contained in this ludicrously gigantic rhinestone necklace from seller stellacreations. It might break your neck when you put it on. But look on the bright side (get it?)–at least it’s not a choking hazard.

Instead of finishing this post with a bracelet, I think it’s time for a watch. I hope you are appreciating these jokes.

Steampunk Plugs
Gears for ears.

Actually, upon further review, I haven’t found a sparkly watch on Etsy that is up to par for this post. Maybe the problem is that I don’t like sparkly watches. So instead, I give you these kickass, steampunk ear gauges from seller Jamlincrow. I don’t have double-zero gauges, but maybe someday when I’m done being all politically correct and having normal-sized earlobes, I’ll give it a try.

Are your retinas appropriately seared? Have you bought me those labradorite earrings yet? Please answer “yes” to both.

FASHION FRIDAY: How to Wear Pink and Green Together (Correctly)

Fashion Friday #fashionfridayLook at me. What I am about to say is very important.

Pink and green do not “go together”. Unlike lemon and stone, teal and coral, or even pink and gold, pink and green were not made to be worn simultaneously. This became painfully clear to me as a pre-teen, when all of my friends were pairing hot pink Abercrombie shorts with lime green American Eagle polos. No, I no longer have those friends.

HOWEVER–should you be on a desert island where the only clothing options are the aforementioned hues–there is one way to wear pink and green together. It all hinges on shade and proportion: namely, which shades of green and pink you choose to pair, and how much of each you wear.

Let’s dive into some color theory:

Emerald Pencil Skirt
Pleats and thank you.

The first thing you want to choose is your primary color. Want to do a lot of pink with a touch of green? Fine. Prefer to mainline some emerald tones with a rose accent here and there? Good. Start with this silky pencil skirt from seller LittleByrdShop, which does not come with a sun-drenched, Instagrammed-all-to-hell backyard.

Beige Top
Ignore the terrifying crotch problem and focus on the shirt.

Next, add a neutral top in a similar fabric–beige is always a good bet, so you look like a garden party come to life. I’m enjoying this basic blouse from seller AryaStyles. You’ll want to tuck it in. Don’t be a schlub.

Rose Scarf
Rich people love things like this!

Since so far it’s all solids, you may wear one (1) pattern with this outfit. I suggest something like this scarf from seller LePetitMonkey, who is way cooler than I will ever be.

Rose Quartz Earrings
Rose before bros.

Top off the whole shebang with some classy earrings in any of the above colors, like this pretty rose quartz pair from seller NaturalGlam. But for the love of all that is sacred and holy, don’t bring blue into this.

FASHION FRIDAY: Pink + Gold Geometry

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

I’m digging simple color combinations, stark lines, and symmetrical shapes today. With that in mind, check out some standout Etsy picks that play with geometry!

Remember: the more angular your clothes and jewelry, the less lumpy and deformed your face looks.

Glacier Scarf
Pants: check. Shoes: check. Shirt: ah, shit.

Kick things off with this massive pink and black scarf from seller royalcaballito, who hails from Spain, where it is acceptable to wear a scarf instead of a shirt. Summer or winter? I can’t tell, but whatever the temperature, chances are it will be nippy.

Rose Gold Geo Earrings
Tiny, delicious, non-edible choking hazards.

Pair that scarf/shirt/best-of-the-breast adventure with these rose gold-painted earrings by seller PerfectlyCloudy. I’m a huge fan of earrings that go from day to night with no fuss, and metallics are a good bet. Plus, they’ll show up on the X-ray when your baby swallows them.

Geo Crop Mini Set
This model is not a morning person.

I would look like a five-year-old in this matching geometric set from seller Stylecamp, but I want it anyway. Especially if it is supposed to be worn with a scowl, as pictured. I totally own one already.

Pink and Gold Earrings
It’s like you’re a ranking officer, only cuter and with less camouflage.

How ’bout these pink-and-gold chevron earrings from seller miscii? They’re wooden and handpainted, so they will perfectly accompany any color of spray-painted refrigerator box or tattered thrift-store sweater.

Today’s Fashion Friday feels particularly vicious. Or maybe it’s just all those sharp edges. Happy shopping!

FASHION FRIDAY: Animal Style

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

No, we’re not talking about In-N-Out Burger. We’re talking about the plethora of animal-themed Etsy items, and how I want ALL OF THEM.

gg
Send your clingy girlfriend a message.

Case in point: this amazeballs sloth ring from seller CuriousBurrow. Would I wear it? Well, I really don’t know. Would I cherish its little sloth face until it disintegrated? Categorically yes.

Catalope Leggings
Walk away AND freak people out. #winning

Same goes for these absurd “Wild Catalope” leggings from seller barkdecor. I grew up believing in jackalopes, so I would have no problem busting these out and convincing the less-mentally-endowed and oxygen-deprived-at-birth that catalopes are real.

gg
Baby animals, grown-up style.

Also digging this woodland animals dress from seller ShugaRose. I spy deer, owls, and maybe a fox or two in there. And since it’s black and white, it goes with literally anything…including everything from this post. You’re welcome.

Lion Skull Necklace
Don’t leave this lion around.

Last in this post but decidedly first in my heart, this lion skull necklace from seller LostApostle is fucking #FIERCE. Not only is it like you’re channeling your inner ferociousness, it’s like you killed that ferociousness, ate it, and then hung it from your neck. DONE. Show me pictures of your own awesome animal style!

FASHION FRIDAY: New Year, New Style

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Once upon a time, my New Year’s resolution was to dress like less of a slob. This was during college, when jeans and a sweatshirt were my uniform (paired, naturally, with my waist-length mermaid hair, so people could tell I was a girl).

That year, I paid more attention to what I was wearing. I was trying to reinvent myself, to look in the mirror and appreciate my own appearance. I wore skirts and scarves, added jewelry, and tried out heels when I knew I didn’t have to walk far. Essentially, I gave myself permission to be pretty.

And it paid off–I got a lot of compliments, but more importantly, I felt good about myself. I didn’t need a whole new wardrobe. I just needed a little imagination, some time before bed to pick out an outfit, and the confidence to wear it.

Why not give the same thing a try this month? Here are a few Etsy picks for self-reinvention.

Aztec Leggings
These leggings will totally floor you.

January can be chilly, so stock up on fun, colorful leggings and tights, like these from seller Gogreenstyle. Even if the rest of you is covered in the most boring color possible (puce, anyone?), these leggings will make your legs stand out like Dwayne Wade at a Little People of America convention.

Cobalt Flats
Feet for miles.

Try to bust out your high heels a little more, if you can–there’s nothing like heels for making you feel put-together (and, incidentally, for making your feet bleed). Should you require a flat footwear alternative, check out these cute slip-ons from seller lolliette, whose toes must be even longer than mine because would you look at that toe box?

Mint Scarf
One color for each of your personalities.

Scarves can do wonders to spice up an outfit. This tri-colored confection from seller dailyaccessoriez would go well with the flats above! Just don’t pair it with the leggings at the top of this post, or you might unintentionally blind everyone.

Color-block Dress
What’s in the top right corner??

If you don’t feel like putting together a matching outfit (it helps if all of your clothes are either navy, black or gray, like mine), throw on a cute dress and call it a day. I’m digging this cute color-block frock from seller bilot.

Whatever New Year’s resolution(s) you decide on, give yourself a break every now and then! I’m throwing on a sweatshirt, ’cause it’s cold in here.

FASHION FRIDAY: How to Waste Your Etsy Gift Card

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Oh, Friday after Christmas. Why must you be so depressing?

The only bright spot in the bleak despair of knowing that Christmas is once again 363 days away is spending your Etsy gift cards. Naturally, we all received these for Christmas.

Bullet earrings
Ear shot.

The first item I recommend spending your hard-earned Etsy cash on: these bullet-casing earrings from seller BallisticRounds. When people say, “What did you get for Christmas?” you can just thumb your earlobes meaningfully, give them a long, hard stare, and growl, “Don’t ask questions.”

Geometric Wallets
Better together.

I’m also a big fan of these two-tone wallets from seller fixfly. Not only will they hold your cards better than a regular wallet, they also have a space for your iPhone, so they’ll be perfect for when I actually get an iPhone.

Boot Socks
Knitted slippers, my foot! Wait…

If you were given a heftier gift card, blow it all on these ridiculously expensive socks/”knitted slippers” from seller ThreeBirdNest. Yeah, they look really comfortable. They’re also $50. Maybe they’re knitted from angel snot.

Cat Dress
Me-owza.

I can’t decide if I really, really need this dress from seller SuiteChic, or if it’s patently ridiculous . You decide. I will just be staring at the picture in the meantime, wondering what happens when you actually move in this dress.

FASHION FRIDAY: Winter Wonderland

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday More like wishful wonderland–there’s no snow in New Orleans, and there’s likely never to be any. But that’s okay, because the windows are open and I’m SO READY TO WRITE THIS POST. Here are a few low-key, festive sartorial selections for those of you who genuinely like Christmas, but aren’t ready to scream that to the world with a sparkly Kmart sweater:

Maxi skirt
It only comes in sizes 0 – toothpick.

Just kidding! You’re going to get some stares with this totally insane, giant green corduroy skirt from seller xiaolizi. Not only will it make you look like an elf, it will make you look like you’re smuggling 10 more elves.

Colorblock scarf
Cheery, without being scary.

This scarf from seller ScarfObsession will go right along with your new green corduroy skirt-apartment. It’s got red and green for Christmas, AND blue for Hanukkah. There’s even a little gold/brown in there, for some other holiday-type holiday that is probably not Kwanzaa.

Temporary tattoos
Rudolph the red-nosed tramp stamp, anyone?

If you want to show your winter spirit in a less-dressed kinda way, try on these woodland creature tattoos from seller whitneyjane. Chances are the entire office will see you naked after that fourth glass of eggnog, so why not give ’em something to look at?

Pearl earrings
Is it a snowflake? An upside-down tree? Whatever; she has pretty lipstick.

Finally, I’m not usually a fan of dangly earrings (let’s just say I overdid it in high school), but these freshwater pearl tree earrings from seller VirginiaGeigerJewels caught my eye. They’re a less conventional version of the thousands of boring silver snowflake bracelets I plowed through to find you, well, these earrings. Do you dress up for the holidays? Because I might just have to try it this year.

FASHION FRIDAY: Meet Me in the Boardroom

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Today’s boardroom is tomorrow’s cheap Craigslist futon.

That’s right, dear readers: I occasionally conduct business from the couch. I don’t do it often, because my couch is terrible at making both conversation and coffee–but there are times when it just doesn’t matter whether I blog privately in my pajamas or publicly in pants.

When I do take meetings, which I have been doing a lot more of lately (maybe I should get a haircut?), I dress in an understated palette–usually gray or black, with a fun pop of color here or there. Behold: Etsy picks for being me on a well-dressed day.

Gray Cufflinks
Take tiny pieces of your couch to work!

Nice accessories can amp up an outfit from everyday to business-formal. Men: get your paws on a shiny pair of cufflinks, like these understated gray ones from seller TheFoxAndFig. If you’re not wearing cufflinks to business meetings, what are you doing with your life?

Red Peplum Skirt
Fun, flirty, and intimidating as fuck.

Feel like making a serious statement and/or blinding the person you’re meeting with? Try this skirt from seller Jersa on for sale. It’s got a flirty peplum, but its real appeal is that it was dip-dyed at the Red Wedding.

Teardrop Earrings
“I’m not crying…it’s just been raining on my face” – Flight of the Conchords

Just like you don’t pair dramatic eye makeup with bright red lipstick, for the love of God, don’t pair a flashy outfit with gaudy jewelry. Go for something simple and silver. Case in point: these teardrop earrings from seller SilverLinesJewelry. They’re so small, your ears might eat them.

Felt Necklace
Collect them all and become a Muppet!

On the flip side, if you’d rather go for a giant necklace, grab one like this from seller StefCollections. But please don’t grab this exact one, ’cause I’m pretty sure I’m asking for it for Christmas. Thanks in advance, Mom Santa.

I’m not really a pathological shut-in–I promise. That said, anyone free for drinks tonight? Anyone? Bueller?

BLACK (FASHION) FRIDAY: Buy or Die

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Has anyone else noticed how insane Black Friday has gotten? The buying frenzy actually starts on Thanksgiving now, creeping up from midnight store openings to 9pm, 8pm and earlier on Thursday.

News flash: you cannot take Thanksgiving, Black Friday. RUDE.

Since I’d rather shop online anyway and never leave my house, here are my favorite Etsy picks from today’s retail-based insanity.

ALSO, Etsy has the added benefit of offering customizable items, so instead of grabbing the last ___ on the shelf, you can give personalized gifts.

Monogram Bar Necklace
Gold for the first-place winner in your life, and other colors for the rest of those losers.

Take, for example, this custom monogram bar necklace from seller makepienotwarCustomize it with a name, date, or both, like the day you realized Black Friday was rull dumb.

Macbook Case
Is it just me, or does it have eyes?

A classy laptop sleeve like this one from seller WillowandCompany is also always a good bet. Appealing, unisex, and you can use code ship4free4me to get free shipping. Whaaaaaat yes.

Baggy Sweater
Knitted from 100% holiday melancholy.

I’m really digging this giant blue sweater from seller kupukupuapparel, which looks like a tent until you realize it has tight “Japanese-style” sleeves. Then it becomes a super-high-fashion tent. Perfect for the loved one whose weight fluctuates uncontrollably!

Custom Tie Clip
If you really did, this would be a diamond, amirite?

Show your love, then hide it away with this customizable tie clip from seller CelebrateToday. It’s made of brushed aluminum, so it won’t tarnish even after your love has rusted to nothingness. I mean…love springs eternal.

Happy shopping!

FASHION FRIDAY: Grin and Be a Bear

Wait, that’s not how it goes.

Just you watch: this post is going to top Google for “bear fashion” searches. Which everyone does all the time, right?

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Our theme for Fashion Friday this week is bears, and how awesome they can be. Anything that sleeps all winter has my vote for World’s Smartest Animal (fox-exclusionary edition).

Amazing bear hat
Haaaaay-bernation.

You knew it was coming: a BEAR HAT from seller EllaGajewskaHATS, picked from Etsy’s multitudes of hats with bear descriptors. Not all bear hats are created equal, because this one is the best. Like a circus bear riding on a bicycle, it’s almost too awesome.

bear necklace
Baby bear (Goldilocks not included).

For the less statement-inclined, this little brass-plated bear necklace from seller handmadebybluebird should do the trick. But really, live a little. Specifically, live forever with the mittens below.

bear mittens
What did one bear say to the other? No one knows, because you don’t get that close to a pair of bears.

Next, and definitively unmatching, come these bear mittens from seller Pomber. To be honest, they look a little scratchy–but probably less eye-gouging than a real bear. And free shipping! Can you imagine how much it costs to ship a bear?

steampunk bear necklace
Robobear just wants to love you.

Let’s finish up with another necklace–this mind-boggling steampunk bear from seller tasherajean. Look at its sparkly little eyes! And its sparkly little friends! I need one.

Did you like this post? Did you find it barely bearable? Let me know, or just come up to me at the bar and ask, “Hey, what’s ursine?”