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FASHION FRIDAY: Back, and Still Rude

A love letter to the last week of summer camp (in haiku form, because who has time to read a whole letter?):

O camp, I love you
However: it’s time to go
I have camper plague

You can blame the aforementioned plague for the lack of Fashion Friday in your lives and inboxes last week. Though I still sound like an asthmatic Fran Drescher, I peeled myself out of bed to find some stuff to ridicule for you. It might be my giant tonsils, but I’m feeling harsh.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Here we go:

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Not a right triangle in any sense of the term.

This triangle-shaped leather backpack from 20twentyvintage is on the theme-curated front page of Etsy today. I’m not sure if the theme was “Back to the Future” or “Things That Make You Uncomfortable But You Can’t Put Your Finger on Why.” Maybe because this backpack looks like it should (or used to) have fingers of its own.

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Price cut!!! Buy me one thousand please.

Zing bang. NEXT. Trolling the “Recently Listed Items” section yielded this handcrafted miracle of modern fabric-work, from coyly named seller ScarfMood. After browsing the fraying catastrophes in the rest of the store, I’m looking forward to seeing this seller’s next brainchild: perhaps a sheer leopard-print scarf accented with lace? No, wait, they did that already.

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My next album cover

In case your friends don’t know you’re cool yet, pop on this be-Lennoned baseball shirt from seller cottonclick. I’ve never seen a cat look more like a bug, and you’ll never look like a bigger tool.

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Will you marry me? GTFO.

To finish up your weekly dose of WTF, have a look at this “ring” from seller elsahats. Making jewelry: no longer just an art form. Just grab a rock, some string, and your nearest gumball-machine prize ring. Put them together and call it “tribal”! If someone pays $10 for this, I’m quitting writing.

Love,

Your resident curmudgeon Maven

FASHION FRIDAY: Lemon + Stone

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Good morning, lovely readers. This Fashion Friday, I present to you an often underrated color combo: lemon + stone (often referred to by those not in the know as “yellow + gray”. Psh).

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Shoes for the uncrushably cheerful.

Kick things off [your feet] with a pair of custom flats from seller TheDrifterLeather, whom I also featured last month. Apparently I just can’t get enough colorful dried cow skin.

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Post-moo.

Also made of former cows: this sleek bag from seller farragobags2 (maybe farragobags1 was taken?). Slip in your laptop, important case files, and the above flats as backup for when you have to walk in heels and carry things and you don’t want your feet to bleed.

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Chevron. Chevroff.

Next, outclass your fellow technophiles with a cheery cover for your iPad/Nook/Kindle/other tiny screen you stare at instead of reading books. This chevron case from seller gothicreations is made to order, and bemusingly non-Gothic.

Put a bird on it!
Put a bird on it!

This tie from seller MeandMatilda will do nicely for the ornithologically inclined men in your life. It comes in all sorts of sizes, both pre-tied and standard, because it’s never too early to start dressing up a baby.

FASHION FRIDAY: Fabulous and Sparkly

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

You’re welcome in advance.

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This just makes me want to glue mirrors on my face and dance around.

Start your evening off right with this bangin’ bag from seller ppChow. It promises mystery and intrigue like you will find in William Gibson’s Neuromancer. It is SO rainbow.

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One for you, one for your friend, one for pure awesome.

In the same vein, this rainbow quartz necklace from seller FawningInLove will transform you into a fairy, no questions asked. Each crystal is full of wishes. I guarantee it.

glitter phone case
iGlitter. uGlitter. We so fancy.

I’m also a big fan of this sparkle-sprayed iPhone case from seller ihomegift, though I roll with an HTC, not an iPhone. Something about multicolored glitter just gets me every time. It may be my inner six-year-old struggling furiously to get free.

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These flats are your father.

Finish off your fabulousness with these insane Darth Vader flats from seller NerdStyle. It doesn’t even matter if you like Star Wars that much or not. You’ll attract all sorts of attention*.

As always, let me know if you buy something! Then I can start calling myself a “tastemaker”.

*mostly from men who live in their mothers’ basements.

FASHION FRIDAY: Cat About Camp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Today’s Fashion Friday is inspired by one of my summer campers, who has an amazing cat T-shirt that I covet. Luckily, I haven’t stooped so low as to steal from a twelve-year-old…yet.

Meow you won't die alone!
The only acceptable type of cat-call.

In the meantime, I’m comforting myself with cat-tastic Etsy accessories, like this iPhone case from recently featured seller JuliaWine. Its little ears would be the perfect accompaniment to any spinster’s multiple-cat lifestyle. Meow you might not die alone!

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Punch someone and start a catfight!

Maybe it’s just because I’m missing my cat while I’m away, but I also dig this simple ring from seller oohfancydesigns. He or she (I’m guessing she) has thoughtfully designed it as a stacking ring, so you can get one for each cat you own. If rings extend past your knuckle, seek help.

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It’s a Morticia Addams kind of day.

Not really sure if I would wear these sweater pins/brooches/collar ornaments from seller Mintloftcom, or if I would wear them on absolutely everything I own. The line between fashion plate and freakshow is getting a little…fuzzy.

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Sink your teeth into some kitty couture.

Can we say: best shirt in the world? This tank from seller 24hrstshirt might even be better than that camper’s shirt. I’ll confess that I put it in my shopping cart already, just beclaws I deserve it.

Feeling catty? Drop me a line at lianna@theenglishmaven.com.

FASHION FRIDAY: Summer Camp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

It’s that time of year again. Today I pack up the trusty laptop and head into the wilds of Barnesville, Ohio, to shepherd 80 unruly teens and pre-teens through a four-week musical journey.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it sounds. Speaking of cool:

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Great for dosing unruly campers.

Buy me this polyhedron necklace from seller ohBIJOUXpt, and then I will need nothing else for the rest of my days. Seriously, it has a glass vial. I’m imagining this as the vial Juliet used to hold her “poison”. She was super fashionable.

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The moment I put this on, it would be ruined.

Also obsessing over this bow dress from oukymmik. You can’t wear anything nice at camp because the kids and the cows and the mud and the sweat destroy everything, but it’s fun to dream.

Anyway, it’s a short one today! I’m heading to the airport. Catch you next Friday under the hot camp sun! If you need me, you can always get in touch at lianna@theenglishmaven.com.

FASHION FRIDAY: Timesavers

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Dispense with pleasantries! I’m not going to tell you hello. Instead, check out some multipurpose Etsy picks to save you time: the modern world’s most precious commodity.

Store all your imaginary friends in it!
Store all your imaginary friends in it!

Generally, I would shy away from calling bags “multipurpose,” as their purpose obviously depends on what you put in them. I just had to show you guys this bag from seller Retazos, though. We’re bringing the fanny pack back! I had no idea.

Is that an 11-function multipurpose tool in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Is that an 11-function multipurpose tool in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Like the fanny pack, this next item from seller GoldenEngravables is less of a fashion accessory and more of a lifestyle choice. It’s an all-in-one crazytown tool, just in case you get stuck somewhere without your can opener, knife, bottle opener, ruler, wrench, and saw.

No, seriously, why would you need to wear this upside-down?
No, seriously, why would you need to wear this upside-down?

Go from looking killer to looking like a serial killer in one swoop of this acutely peculiar garment from seller NECHTO. At first, it’s a cute loose-topped dress in a bright pattern! Before you know it, it’s upside-down, you’ve got your legs through the sleeves and the head hole is providing some much-needed groin ventilation.

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Wear it as a scarf or a wig!

Lest you forget about my ongoing love affair with jersey, here is a stringy scarf from creatively titled seller FashionDesigns4U. Legend has it that if you want to get crazy with this scarf, you can loop it once OR twice around your neck. Go nuts.

How do you save time dressing in the morning?

FASHION FRIDAY: All Bespoken For

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday So bespoken isn’t a word. It doesn’t matter. English is an ever-evolving language! Trust me. I’m the Maven.

On this glorious Fashion Friday, treat yourself to something custom-made. Bespoke sellers are out there, and they want to sew/craft/glue/engrave something just for you.

Feet sweat factories.
Feet-sweat factories.

For example, these magical navy blue handmade flats from seller TheDrifterLeather. When you tie their dainty straps, your cankles will disappear! Along with your worries, and stuff.

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For the days when you run out of paper bags

If your problems are more serious than cankles (we’re talking serious problems), a crazy customized mask from seller Warpcat should clear them right up, along with scaring the bejesus out of you each and every time you look in the mirror. I recommend this bold bespoke option to those who have simply given up.

The real Beatles didn't fit.
The real Beatles didn’t fit.

Men will enjoy custom cufflinks from seller LittleBurrowDesigns, who prints your text of choice onto silk and adds it to a pair of brass findings. The only other thing you need to know is that the seller lives in a magical-sounding place called Ottery St. Mary, England, so the postmark alone is a reason to order.

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Remember every dead pet forever.

Admittedly, the last item today is my favorite. A set of three custom-engraved bangles from seller Joulberry offers the chance to place 390 characters of meaningful text on these sleek silver wrist ornaments. For inspiration, the seller suggests, Take the time to explore your past, your present and your future…Capture your children’s names…Can you remember your wedding vows or would you like to remind yourself? 

I might add, Do you have a serious peanut allergy? What was the date you started paying for your own car insurance? Who is your favorite Jonas Brother?

One small step for bespoke Etsy crafters, one giant leap for Fashion Friday!

FASHION FRIDAY: Garden Party

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re super fancy (I’m not), you get invited to things like garden parties. You also have money to buy all new outfits for aforementioned parties. Take my style advice. Soon enough you will be giving me your Southwest Companion Pass and flying me everywhere. Don’t fight it.

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The summeryest ankle roll you ever met.

FIRST. Check out this insane summer heel from seller ChristyNgShoes. Floral peep-toe and heel! WHAT? Does it matter that you couldn’t walk a foot in these, especially on a lawn? Nope, because garden party. Get a man to carry you.

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Crinoline and dainty waist not included.

Pair your ridiculous new floral heels with this simple vintage dress from seller daisyandstella. Its unusual light blue color, with a matching belt and the fact that it’s NOS (new old stock, meaning not soiled with the drippings of a now-ancient wearer) mean that you’ll be the envy of every girl at the ball. I mean garden party.

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Looks like a candy necklace! You’ll break your teeth.

Decorate your clavicle with a summery Indonesian bead-and-brass strand  from seller BohemianFringe, who can be forgiven for his or her terrible shop name because this necklace is pretty.

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To preserve your chinchilla-soft, ladylike hands.

Finally, in the spirit of a true garden party, show off your privileged lifestyle by donning a pair of white lace gloves, like these from seller Tallllll. It’s a simple way to say, “Dishes? Well, I never.”

After this, you should be carted off by a dashing, brawny fellow, your five-inch floral heels never once spiking the lawn. #gardenparty

FASHION FRIDAY: Hangover Chic

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last night, I made my stand-up comedy debut. I didn’t buy a single drink; I also woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by the Jameson train.

I had stuff to get done, though. Wish I’d had this hangover outfit to get me through the day:

It's okay to be catty.
It’s okay to be catty.

The first thing you need when attempting functional-human-being-ness after a long night of carousing: glamorous sunnies, like these cat-eye shades from PenelopeMeatloaf. Both to protect your eyes from the merciless sun, and protect unsuspecting pedestrians from your bloodshot death-glare.

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Jackalopalicious.

You’ll also need a hoodie, because your stomach is gonna hurt, and ain’t nobody got time to suck in your abs when you’re suffering. The printed jackalopes on this lightweight unisex jacket from seller NYhop will distract bystanders from your terrible hangover posture. Is it a rabbit? Is it an antelope? Whatever it is, it’s working.

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The Velcro is good, because you probably don’t remember how to tie shoelaces today.

Assert your superiority even on an off day with a pair of comfortably elevating wedge sneakers, like these from seller LOVELYYYYYYY (seriously? Kill yourself). Wear them with leggings, but remember: leggings are not pants, and if you wear them as pants, you deserve everything you’re going through.

And because today’s probably going to kill you, cut yourself a break: no fourth item. This is all you need. That, and a little hair of the dog.

FASHION FRIDAY: Beat the Summer Swelter

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

The mercury hit 10,000 degrees here yesterday in New Orleans. All the termites came to party; won’t you join us too?

When just walking outside feels like a giant wet hand pressing down on your face, it’s best to wear as little as possible. My minimal picks from Etsy’s summer styles:

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Romp like it’s your job

Did someone say “Beyonce”? No, they said “white romper,” and I need to get my eyes checked because HELLO, COMFORT. This vintage ’70s romper from seller BTMVintage is just the ticket for fun summer activities. Like grass stains. And sprinklers.

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Luggage bins are located overhead to the left and right.

If you prefer not to combine your shirts and pants, you’re probably someone who wears dresses. Cue this kimono-style summer frock from seller lapetitenina. As the model demonstrates in the photo, the generous cut of this outfit allows for quick and easy pit-sweat drying.

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In other countries, they call these “thongs”.

Dust off that athlete’s foot cream and get ready to exfoliate your heels, because these unisex leather sandals from seller PennyHandmade are not hiding anything. On the upside (literally), the tops of your feet will get an interesting tan.

This posture will eventually ruin her spine.
This posture will eventually wreck her spine.

Finally, should the heat slacken a few degrees from, say, solar temperatures to more of a Jupiter-surface range, you can don this open-weave sweater made by seller Eloiseshop.  Or, as the seller suggests, just put it on to make your outfit edgier, no matter what you’re wearing. Personally, I’m thinking it’ll really spice up my pajamas.

Now you have all the tools you need to survive summer in New Orleans, LA, USA. Next step: daiquiris.