fbpx

FASHION FRIDAY: Garden Party

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re super fancy (I’m not), you get invited to things like garden parties. You also have money to buy all new outfits for aforementioned parties. Take my style advice. Soon enough you will be giving me your Southwest Companion Pass and flying me everywhere. Don’t fight it.

gg
The summeryest ankle roll you ever met.

FIRST. Check out this insane summer heel from seller ChristyNgShoes. Floral peep-toe and heel! WHAT? Does it matter that you couldn’t walk a foot in these, especially on a lawn? Nope, because garden party. Get a man to carry you.

gg
Crinoline and dainty waist not included.

Pair your ridiculous new floral heels with this simple vintage dress from seller daisyandstella. Its unusual light blue color, with a matching belt and the fact that it’s NOS (new old stock, meaning not soiled with the drippings of a now-ancient wearer) mean that you’ll be the envy of every girl at the ball. I mean garden party.

gg
Looks like a candy necklace! You’ll break your teeth.

Decorate your clavicle with a summery Indonesian bead-and-brass strand  from seller BohemianFringe, who can be forgiven for his or her terrible shop name because this necklace is pretty.

gg
To preserve your chinchilla-soft, ladylike hands.

Finally, in the spirit of a true garden party, show off your privileged lifestyle by donning a pair of white lace gloves, like these from seller Tallllll. It’s a simple way to say, “Dishes? Well, I never.”

After this, you should be carted off by a dashing, brawny fellow, your five-inch floral heels never once spiking the lawn. #gardenparty

FASHION FRIDAY: Hangover Chic

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last night, I made my stand-up comedy debut. I didn’t buy a single drink; I also woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by the Jameson train.

I had stuff to get done, though. Wish I’d had this hangover outfit to get me through the day:

It's okay to be catty.
It’s okay to be catty.

The first thing you need when attempting functional-human-being-ness after a long night of carousing: glamorous sunnies, like these cat-eye shades from PenelopeMeatloaf. Both to protect your eyes from the merciless sun, and protect unsuspecting pedestrians from your bloodshot death-glare.

gg
Jackalopalicious.

You’ll also need a hoodie, because your stomach is gonna hurt, and ain’t nobody got time to suck in your abs when you’re suffering. The printed jackalopes on this lightweight unisex jacket from seller NYhop will distract bystanders from your terrible hangover posture. Is it a rabbit? Is it an antelope? Whatever it is, it’s working.

gg
The Velcro is good, because you probably don’t remember how to tie shoelaces today.

Assert your superiority even on an off day with a pair of comfortably elevating wedge sneakers, like these from seller LOVELYYYYYYY (seriously? Kill yourself). Wear them with leggings, but remember: leggings are not pants, and if you wear them as pants, you deserve everything you’re going through.

And because today’s probably going to kill you, cut yourself a break: no fourth item. This is all you need. That, and a little hair of the dog.

FASHION FRIDAY: Beat the Summer Swelter

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

The mercury hit 10,000 degrees here yesterday in New Orleans. All the termites came to party; won’t you join us too?

When just walking outside feels like a giant wet hand pressing down on your face, it’s best to wear as little as possible. My minimal picks from Etsy’s summer styles:

gg
Romp like it’s your job

Did someone say “Beyonce”? No, they said “white romper,” and I need to get my eyes checked because HELLO, COMFORT. This vintage ’70s romper from seller BTMVintage is just the ticket for fun summer activities. Like grass stains. And sprinklers.

gg
Luggage bins are located overhead to the left and right.

If you prefer not to combine your shirts and pants, you’re probably someone who wears dresses. Cue this kimono-style summer frock from seller lapetitenina. As the model demonstrates in the photo, the generous cut of this outfit allows for quick and easy pit-sweat drying.

gg
In other countries, they call these “thongs”.

Dust off that athlete’s foot cream and get ready to exfoliate your heels, because these unisex leather sandals from seller PennyHandmade are not hiding anything. On the upside (literally), the tops of your feet will get an interesting tan.

This posture will eventually ruin her spine.
This posture will eventually wreck her spine.

Finally, should the heat slacken a few degrees from, say, solar temperatures to more of a Jupiter-surface range, you can don this open-weave sweater made by seller Eloiseshop.  Or, as the seller suggests, just put it on to make your outfit edgier, no matter what you’re wearing. Personally, I’m thinking it’ll really spice up my pajamas.

Now you have all the tools you need to survive summer in New Orleans, LA, USA. Next step: daiquiris.

FASHION FRIDAY: Transatlantic Traveling

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Maven here, writing from chilly London where my business name sounds like a joke (“Oh, you’re the English Maven? Maven of what? We’re all English.” Insert squinty eye.)

So, after lugging a giant broken suitcase all the way to our rented apartment in posh Maida Vale, I’ve come up with a few things it would be nice to have when one is crossing the pond. This takes into account the weekend spent in Dublin, which may have been the coldest, rainiest, funnest (I know) three days ever.

Side note: Dubliners are much nicer than Londoners. Must be all that Irish whiskey.

SPEAKING OF WHICH:

Did I mention it's triple-distilled?
Did I mention it’s triple-distilled?

Drunkify your phone with a Jameson Irish Whiskey case from seller matamucux. Having personally toured the Old Jameson Distillery in Dublin a few days ago, I can vouch for its all-around amazingness. They also harp strangely on the fact that Jameson, unlike other whiskeys, is triple distilled. Makes it smoother. Like you, when you use this phone case in place of a pickup line.

gg
* Will not work on T-shirt-wearing slobs.

Accessorize your hangover with sterling silver cufflinks featuring an antique map of Dublin, from seller AnneHolman. They’re expensive, but when you consider the cost of a flight to Ireland, $119 starts looking pretty good. Just watch “The Boondock Saints” and pretend Sean Patrick Flanery is your boyfriend.

Icy stare of the Brits demonstrated here.
Icy stare of the Brits demonstrated here.

Now that I’m in London, I find myself wishing for some sort of glare-deflecting shield against British condescension. Enter this veiled fascinator from seller EllenMarieDesign, which has just enough birdcage veil to say, “Fuck off, I’m fashionable.”

(Really, it’s only some English servicepeople that seem to hate Americans. But I hear they hate the French much more, so I’m taking solace in that.)

Not to scale, unless you are a proton.
Not to scale, unless you are a proton.

If you’re still interested in visiting London after the last item, congratulations: have this cuff by seller JezebelCharms. It’ll keep you from getting lost while you wander around, too scared to ask for directions. Also, it just looks good.

Real talk: London is a lot like most other big cities in terms of diversity, sights to see, and residents’ friendliness. It’s just that here, everything is about a thousand years old, and they’re still mad King George lost the war.

FASHION FRIDAY: Clubbing for Introverts

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re like me (you’re not), you like to go out. But you also like to stay in. And above all, you like to be comfortable.

Behold: a selection of Etsyness to make all three choices possible. Pro tip: Don’t wear pajamas to a nightclub. It’s unbecoming.

Just don’t look at her shoes.

Adding to my love affair with all things jersey (except the state and all residents, accents, and weather therein), this dress from seller PRIEMLOV has the fitted (sort of) silhouette that most associate with DA CLUB, but it’s made of stretchy, comfortable jersey fabric. So you can eat as much overpriced sushi as you want before tottering in heels to the private party next door. OR, wear Oxfords and read on.

gg
What would the Victorians say??

Oxford shoes have become a thing lately, appearing with any and all outfits, at least for those of you with elfin feet. They’re better than heels for most things you do with your feet; walking comes to mind. At a monstrously unfeminine size 8, these bedazzled kicks from seller LazyBunni are pushing it a bit, but hey–we giants have to try.

gg
Don’t worry, no math nerds will hit on you here. Or anywhere, really.

In the darkness of the club, introverts need jewelry that stands out. Try this geometric cuff from seller PeaceLoveBeach on for size; though a bit pink for my taste, it’s made of lightweight aluminum, so your arms won’t get tired from all the fist-pumping.

Handy. LITERALLY.
Handy. LITERALLY.

If you can never relax on the dance floor because you’re worried about your purse being stolen from the booth where you left it, take a deep breath and an Atavan, and also grab yourself this clutch from seller LaMuseChic. It’s got a wrist handle, so you can fling it awkwardly about as you try to Soulja Boi or whatever the kids are doing these days.

Have fun tonight! Or stay home and read a book. Whatever you do, do you.

FASHION FRIDAY: Teatime and Feminism

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Friday is for fancy things. And what could be fancier than tea? (Not kidding. Look up “high tea fashion,” or just trust me when I tell you it is SRS BZNS.) So for all your tea needs (teads?), I’ve rounded up this amusing collection of tea-inspired accessories, courtesy, as always, of Etsy.

Did I know it would end up being half biting feminism, half innocuous tea items? Nope, but fair warning.

What ribcage?
What ribcage?

Back to high tea–here’s how you’re supposed to look while you’re enjoying it, according to seller okbridal. Be careful not to actually eat or drink while in this dress, as you may destroy the impression that you are a delicate ladywaif.

You're nuts if you need this.
You’re nuts if you need this.

Did you know there was such a thing as a tea wallet? This thing from seller SewitGirl is exactly what it sounds like: a wallet to hold teabags for intrepid tea-drinking travelers. Sound like something you need? Absolutely not, unless you’re a total lunatic.

So simple. So happy.
So simple. So happy.

Next up we have a wacky little “kawaii” charm, which you can put on your phone, because that thing is probably not heavy enough. Made by seller Colorful2Creative, it’s a teabag! Modeled after the kind that makes delicious hot beverages, not the kind you get arrested for.

For those times you feel like making him a sandwich.
For those times you feel like making him a sandwich.

Finally, we all know a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Cement your domain with this feminine apron from seller stitchnquilt, imaginatively photographed in the backyard, where it will never get to go (unless you’re gardening).

What’s your favorite kind of tea? Want to get together and read Gloria Steinem over an herbal blend? I’m oolong-ing to hear your thoughts.

FASHION FRIDAY: Time Warp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last week marked the first instance since the dawn of time beginning of Fashion Friday that I failed to supply you, my faithful reader(s), with a careful selection of excellent Etsy accessories, and an avalanche of snark.

Mea culpa! If only there were more hours in the day. With that in mind, here are a few Etsy finds to make you think you’re a time traveler. Who? Dr. Who. Just kidding; not a fan of that show, though I am partial to this necktie.

gg
Back to the 60s? Yes please.

Lest you can tell I searched “time warp” on Etsy to get started, here’s a handmade skirt from seller BristolinBloom. She named it after the fabric pattern, which evokes the snow crash of a TV on the fritz (hat tip to author Neal Stephenson for coining that term, along with one of the best sci-fi lit books ever).

gg
Be cog-nizant of your style.

Next up, this deliciously steampunk necklace from seller AbsyntheDesign. Does it tell time? No, but neither do you at the moment, remember?

What time is it? Club o’clock.

In case you do need to know what time it is when you materialize in pre-industrial America (read: wilderness), this killer vintage Kronatron watch from seller helenaaleixoglamour will provide both the hour and a nifty treasure with which to barter your life. Alternatively, journey back to the 70s from whence this timepiece came, and watch the ladies flock to you.

It is “essttential” that you spell your tattoo correctly.

Finally, write yourself a Memento-style note with this temporary tattoo from seller TattooKorea. It won’t actually help you remember anything, because it’s an inspirational Antoine St-Exupery quote, but you’ll look like a literary badass, which historically has always been cool. Just kidding–I just noticed the tattoo is spelled wrong. Don’t buy it.

Got time to comment? Do it.

FASHION FRIDAY: April Showers

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Now Entering Rainville, Population: Blah.

I can only thrust my feet into my sole (GET IT) pair of rainboots and sling on my raincoat so many times before plunging into a deep puddle of depression. Luckily, Etsy offers a few remedies, for those of you with play money.

gg
Elegant waif not included.

This killer raincoat by seller BridgetBergmanDesign will make you into a rain pixie, or thunder elf, or whatever else you want to call “not looking like you’re wearing a Hefty bag”. Unfortunately, this dream comes at a…precipitously high price.

Rimshot.

Hey rain. Let's tango.
Hey rain. Let’s tango.

Anyway, if your rainy-day budget is a little lower but you still want to feel fabulous, and you happen to wear a size 8 (ladies; sorry, fabulous menfolk), check out these vintage galoshes from seller purevintageclothing. Are they rain boots? Cowboy boots? Impermeable rubber shitkickers? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Olive a little.
Olive a little.

This geometric green Totes rain scarf from seller luola channels Grace Kelly straight onto your head/neck (I’m envisioning it draped over my perfectly coiffed hair, with a pair of oversized sunglasses and some poor schmuck to carry my many, many shopping bags). It repels the rain! It is made of magic.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait...I mean...
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait…I mean…

Last but not least, I would kill a child for this Morton Salt Girl umbrella from seller REdesignkc. Look at my face. I’m not kidding.

What are you wearing to get you through spring showers?

FASHION FRIDAY: Relax.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Guten magen, all mein little lieblings! This week’s Fashion Friday is sponsored by Anxiety Attax. I capitalized that phrase because I am totally starting a band with that name. It’ll be the next big thing; you heard it here first.

No, for real–and I think I’ve said this before–sometimes clothes can make a big difference in calming you down when life pelts you with giant rock-hard lemons. Here are my Etsy picks for ultimate comfort accessories and clothes (benzodiazepines not included):

What’s up, sloth? Oh you know, JUST HANGIN OUT

Seriously slow your roll with this soft jersey scarf from seller ZenThreads, which features the godfather of all “DILLIGAF” animals: the majestic sloth. Recently, I learned that sometimes sloths mistake their own arms for branches, grab at themselves, and fall to their deaths. But they’re not stressing about it, so why should you?

gg
Going nowhere fast

Next we have socks, from seller GraceandLaceCo. Why socks? Because you wear socks when you don’t have a single obligation. Shoes are for getting stuff done. Socks, on the other hand, are for deliberate shirking-of-duties, or celebration when aforementioned duties are completed. The higher the sock, the more you chill. Time-tested, Lianna-approved. This pair has tassels, allowing your legs to double as cat toys.

gg
Precipitously adorable.

If you feel like your parade is constantly being rained on, try pinning on this brooch by seller MySelvagedLife. Shaped like a cloud but made of maps, it’s a little reminder that the world is bigger than your current troubles. Clearly it’s working, because these little finds are on pre-order.

gg
KAPOW

Since you’re presumably still naked after my first three picks, slip on this kickass vintage wrap dress from seller MEMORAREvintage. Its gorgeous blue will lighten your mood, and the red contrast lining makes it impossible not to start constructing your superhero background story. And it’s a wrap dress, so forget about sizing anxiety. I’m actually kind of worried about listing this here because I so badly want to buy it.

I would have written a post about how I really de-stress, but the word “CHOCOLATE” isn’t really a post by itself.

So how do you relax?