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FASHION FRIDAY: Grin and Be a Bear

Wait, that’s not how it goes.

Just you watch: this post is going to top Google for “bear fashion” searches. Which everyone does all the time, right?

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Our theme for Fashion Friday this week is bears, and how awesome they can be. Anything that sleeps all winter has my vote for World’s Smartest Animal (fox-exclusionary edition).

Amazing bear hat
Haaaaay-bernation.

You knew it was coming: a BEAR HAT from seller EllaGajewskaHATS, picked from Etsy’s multitudes of hats with bear descriptors. Not all bear hats are created equal, because this one is the best. Like a circus bear riding on a bicycle, it’s almost too awesome.

bear necklace
Baby bear (Goldilocks not included).

For the less statement-inclined, this little brass-plated bear necklace from seller handmadebybluebird should do the trick. But really, live a little. Specifically, live forever with the mittens below.

bear mittens
What did one bear say to the other? No one knows, because you don’t get that close to a pair of bears.

Next, and definitively unmatching, come these bear mittens from seller Pomber. To be honest, they look a little scratchy–but probably less eye-gouging than a real bear. And free shipping! Can you imagine how much it costs to ship a bear?

steampunk bear necklace
Robobear just wants to love you.

Let’s finish up with another necklace–this mind-boggling steampunk bear from seller tasherajean. Look at its sparkly little eyes! And its sparkly little friends! I need one.

Did you like this post? Did you find it barely bearable? Let me know, or just come up to me at the bar and ask, “Hey, what’s ursine?”

FASHION FRIDAY: Yoga Style

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

You know those ladies. The ones who stroll into the yoga studio clad in head-to-toe designer workout clothes. The kind of yoga clothes you promise yourself once you actually go to class more than once a year. This is for you, ladies.

It’s also for me, because I’ve managed to get myself to bikram yoga eight days in a row and my pants are starting to fit again! Hallelujah! There is a god.

yoga top
The “I-Have-to-Pee” pose.

Instructions: 1. Figure out how your top half fits into this thing by seller ShenCreations. 2. Do yoga. 3. Become a mermaid. 4. Bust through your tail and grow some legs, Ariel-style. 5. Do more yoga. Congratulations, you’re a star(fish)!

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You can also opt to not breathe. This is America.

Rather know right away where your arms are supposed to go? Grab this simple tank from seller YogaStrong. It’s cliche, but breathing really is the most important thing you can do–in yoga, and in general. Go on, take a deep breath. Unless you’re in a room full of poison gas, in which case I feel bad for you.

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Well hello there. Oh, this picture is advertising shorts? Whoops.

I dig these short shorts from seller Silouetmode, but having just purchased myself a similar pair, I can attest to the fact that you will be exposing your goodies in certain poses. It’s okay, teachers have seen it all before, right?

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Look like a washed-up ballerina!

If you just want to look like you live the “yoga lifestyle,” which I put in quotes because I can’t say it without snorting, grab this relaxed sweatshirt from seller nicandthenewfie. Obviously, it has a fox on it, because I love foxes. This sweatshirt is in my cart right now, and I haven’t even paid my rent.

Do you do yoga? Tell me in the comments!

FASHION FRIDAY: Fabulous and Sparkly

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

You’re welcome in advance.

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This just makes me want to glue mirrors on my face and dance around.

Start your evening off right with this bangin’ bag from seller ppChow. It promises mystery and intrigue like you will find in William Gibson’s Neuromancer. It is SO rainbow.

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One for you, one for your friend, one for pure awesome.

In the same vein, this rainbow quartz necklace from seller FawningInLove will transform you into a fairy, no questions asked. Each crystal is full of wishes. I guarantee it.

glitter phone case
iGlitter. uGlitter. We so fancy.

I’m also a big fan of this sparkle-sprayed iPhone case from seller ihomegift, though I roll with an HTC, not an iPhone. Something about multicolored glitter just gets me every time. It may be my inner six-year-old struggling furiously to get free.

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These flats are your father.

Finish off your fabulousness with these insane Darth Vader flats from seller NerdStyle. It doesn’t even matter if you like Star Wars that much or not. You’ll attract all sorts of attention*.

As always, let me know if you buy something! Then I can start calling myself a “tastemaker”.

*mostly from men who live in their mothers’ basements.

FASHION FRIDAY: Garden Party

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

If you’re super fancy (I’m not), you get invited to things like garden parties. You also have money to buy all new outfits for aforementioned parties. Take my style advice. Soon enough you will be giving me your Southwest Companion Pass and flying me everywhere. Don’t fight it.

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The summeryest ankle roll you ever met.

FIRST. Check out this insane summer heel from seller ChristyNgShoes. Floral peep-toe and heel! WHAT? Does it matter that you couldn’t walk a foot in these, especially on a lawn? Nope, because garden party. Get a man to carry you.

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Crinoline and dainty waist not included.

Pair your ridiculous new floral heels with this simple vintage dress from seller daisyandstella. Its unusual light blue color, with a matching belt and the fact that it’s NOS (new old stock, meaning not soiled with the drippings of a now-ancient wearer) mean that you’ll be the envy of every girl at the ball. I mean garden party.

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Looks like a candy necklace! You’ll break your teeth.

Decorate your clavicle with a summery Indonesian bead-and-brass strand  from seller BohemianFringe, who can be forgiven for his or her terrible shop name because this necklace is pretty.

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To preserve your chinchilla-soft, ladylike hands.

Finally, in the spirit of a true garden party, show off your privileged lifestyle by donning a pair of white lace gloves, like these from seller Tallllll. It’s a simple way to say, “Dishes? Well, I never.”

After this, you should be carted off by a dashing, brawny fellow, your five-inch floral heels never once spiking the lawn. #gardenparty

FASHION FRIDAY: Hangover Chic

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Last night, I made my stand-up comedy debut. I didn’t buy a single drink; I also woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by the Jameson train.

I had stuff to get done, though. Wish I’d had this hangover outfit to get me through the day:

It's okay to be catty.
It’s okay to be catty.

The first thing you need when attempting functional-human-being-ness after a long night of carousing: glamorous sunnies, like these cat-eye shades from PenelopeMeatloaf. Both to protect your eyes from the merciless sun, and protect unsuspecting pedestrians from your bloodshot death-glare.

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Jackalopalicious.

You’ll also need a hoodie, because your stomach is gonna hurt, and ain’t nobody got time to suck in your abs when you’re suffering. The printed jackalopes on this lightweight unisex jacket from seller NYhop will distract bystanders from your terrible hangover posture. Is it a rabbit? Is it an antelope? Whatever it is, it’s working.

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The Velcro is good, because you probably don’t remember how to tie shoelaces today.

Assert your superiority even on an off day with a pair of comfortably elevating wedge sneakers, like these from seller LOVELYYYYYYY (seriously? Kill yourself). Wear them with leggings, but remember: leggings are not pants, and if you wear them as pants, you deserve everything you’re going through.

And because today’s probably going to kill you, cut yourself a break: no fourth item. This is all you need. That, and a little hair of the dog.