FASHION FRIDAY: Gold on to Me

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday It’s a gloomy day in New Orleans today. You know what always helps with gloomy days? SPARKLY STUFF. Lucky for you, I sifted through a bunch of boring, low-quality gold stuff on Etsy for a few delicate, gorgeous pieces that you can actually all wear at once. How often does that happen? Let’s gold!

Gold Ear Cuff
What’s that, Legolas? You’re jealous of my jewelry?

First up, we have this magical ear cuff from seller knobbly, who may or may not be an elf princess. If you’ve always wanted an Industrial piercing, but you aren’t a fan of getting big, bloody holes punched through your cartilage (different strokes, different folks), you can try this less-permanent alternative on for style.

Gold Bar Necklace
Two inches long, made of gold, with a phoenix feather core. If you don’t get the reference, I don’t want to know you.

Barring complications, this necklace from seller bySiukwan should go with everything you own (unless everything you own is made of silver, in which case, here is my telephone number: (xxx) [REDACTED].

Gold Ring
Buy yourself a finger-hug.

Here’s a cute little gold ring from seller StefanieSheehan. Its open style would go perfectly with a light summer dress, or swollen, diabetic fingers.

Gold Bracelet
Murdered tree not included.

Finish your look with this hammered gold bangle by seller PointNoPointStudio. As usual, there’s one item about which I just can’t say anything bad. Look at this harmless little bangle. It has never experienced the horror of your wrist. This gold-themed post comes to you straight from an avowed brass-jewelry fanatic–but hey, I’m learning.

FASHION FRIDAY: Peachy Keen

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Hey y’all! It’s been a while since I wrote Fashion Friday. Mea culpa. I’ve been exploring the realm of other topics–any and all other topics.

But today, everyone’s favorite rude Etsy round-up is back…and juicy.

Peach Bow
Let people know you’re a dimwit before you turn around!

We’ll start off simply with this little peach bow from seller myjustpeachyshop (wonder how they came up in search? Hmm). This seller offers a lot of hair bows, all of which are perfect for adding a darling dash of “I don’t know what I’m doing” to your boring workday outfits. Where are those reports? I don’t know; I have a bow in my hair. Who left pudding in the office sink? Wasn’t me! Look, I’m wearing a bow.

Peach Aragonite Necklace
This thing is struggling to break free and kill us all.

Then it gets a little more complicated. This “peach aragonite gold” necklace from seller friedasophie looks like it has developed a life of its own. It will probably cut your throat while you’re wearing it, and I mean really cut it. But it’s so pretty, why not take a chance?

Peach Flats
Dance party! JK, you can’t afford these.

You knew some ballet flats had to make their way in here, and here they are. Seller thewhiteribbon knew exactly what I was coveting, and now I have to resist these suede-to-order shoes. Look how soft they are–like the outside of a peach, or a baby’s face right after it cries.

Peach Sundress
Bridal bitchface.

Last but not least, check out this serious chiffon sundress from seller LYDRESS. You may need to hire someone to stand behind you and hold it off the ground–and also to shield your modesty from curious onlookers, because this dress looks sheer as hell. Anything for fashion.

Are you gearing up for summer with some juicy gear? Let me know.

FASHION FRIDAY: Spring Sparkles

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Good morning, you sexy fiends.

Okay, so it’s not morning–I got a bit of a late start. No matter. I went to the gym today (who am I?) and am chock-full of energy to bring you EVERYTHING that sparkles on Etsy.

And by that, I mean four of the best sparkly things, because I don’t have all day. Let’s do this:

Green Amethyst Ring
Like a bug’s eye, but less gross and horrible.

Since it’s February, we should start with the February birthstone. But that’s amethyst, and I hate purple. So instead, check out this green amethyst ring from seller DaniqueJewelry! Did you know green amethyst was a thing? I’m skeptical.

Labradorite Earrings
*Not made from real Labradors.

Oh my god, look at these labradorite earrings from seller Ringsland. They are so sparkly, it’s like the night sky being crammed into your earlobes! Who needs astronomy? I’ve got jewelry.

Giant Gem Necklace
My preshusssss.

I wasn’t messing around when I said I would find all of the sparkles on Etsy. Fully half of them are contained in this ludicrously gigantic rhinestone necklace from seller stellacreations. It might break your neck when you put it on. But look on the bright side (get it?)–at least it’s not a choking hazard.

Instead of finishing this post with a bracelet, I think it’s time for a watch. I hope you are appreciating these jokes.

Steampunk Plugs
Gears for ears.

Actually, upon further review, I haven’t found a sparkly watch on Etsy that is up to par for this post. Maybe the problem is that I don’t like sparkly watches. So instead, I give you these kickass, steampunk ear gauges from seller Jamlincrow. I don’t have double-zero gauges, but maybe someday when I’m done being all politically correct and having normal-sized earlobes, I’ll give it a try.

Are your retinas appropriately seared? Have you bought me those labradorite earrings yet? Please answer “yes” to both.

FASHION FRIDAY: Grin and Be a Bear

Wait, that’s not how it goes.

Just you watch: this post is going to top Google for “bear fashion” searches. Which everyone does all the time, right?

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Our theme for Fashion Friday this week is bears, and how awesome they can be. Anything that sleeps all winter has my vote for World’s Smartest Animal (fox-exclusionary edition).

Amazing bear hat
Haaaaay-bernation.

You knew it was coming: a BEAR HAT from seller EllaGajewskaHATS, picked from Etsy’s multitudes of hats with bear descriptors. Not all bear hats are created equal, because this one is the best. Like a circus bear riding on a bicycle, it’s almost too awesome.

bear necklace
Baby bear (Goldilocks not included).

For the less statement-inclined, this little brass-plated bear necklace from seller handmadebybluebird should do the trick. But really, live a little. Specifically, live forever with the mittens below.

bear mittens
What did one bear say to the other? No one knows, because you don’t get that close to a pair of bears.

Next, and definitively unmatching, come these bear mittens from seller Pomber. To be honest, they look a little scratchy–but probably less eye-gouging than a real bear. And free shipping! Can you imagine how much it costs to ship a bear?

steampunk bear necklace
Robobear just wants to love you.

Let’s finish up with another necklace–this mind-boggling steampunk bear from seller tasherajean. Look at its sparkly little eyes! And its sparkly little friends! I need one.

Did you like this post? Did you find it barely bearable? Let me know, or just come up to me at the bar and ask, “Hey, what’s ursine?”

FASHION FRIDAY: In-Betweenies

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

No, that’s not some dumbass name for a swimsuit that can’t figure itself out. This is a post about clothes for those pesky in-between-season days (read: all seasons here in New Orleans).

A few versatile items will keep you cool/warm on days when the weather is seriously just fucking with you. Please note that this is not another post about layers. If you have not figured out how to layer clothing, Darwin will take care of you shortly.

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Expose your fly(ness).

I am a die-hard cardigan fan. I think it runs down the German side of my family. The Germans are such a practical people. Need to keep your torso warm when a cloud passes over the sun? Snatch up this shapeshifting sweater/vest/scarf creature from seller LuciaVerona.

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Oldies but goodies.

Good flats, like these red vintage beauties from seller ANewDayVintage, are essential for in-betweenies. Wear them with shorts on a hot day; slap on some tights when the big meteorologist in the sky decides to make it hail. Sometimes this outfit change can happen in a single day.

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Become a sultry redhead! Or just get the next best thing: this hat.

You know those hipster chicks who wear knit hats on blisteringly sunny days? JOIN THEM. This slouchy woven beanie-thing from seller zukas is your ticket to hot, steamy head. You get it. I know you get it.

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Doubles as a tiny guitar pick.

Show off your versatility with this necklace from seller ThoughtBlossoms, which looks to me like an itty-bitty upside-down delta, or the triangular symbol meaning change. That is literally the only thing I remember from high school chemistry. Good thing I’m a writer (sorry Mom).

What else do you need? Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Layers.

FASHION FRIDAY: Teal + Coral

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Y’all, I really thought I did this already.

Worn correctly together, coral and teal will offset each other in a glorious, jewel-toned explosion of brilliance. Worn incorrectly, they will make you look like a six-year-old’s birthday party tablecloth.

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I mean, you don’t need any help if you look like this.

Correct: This skull-tastic scarf from seller gertiebaxter. Okay, so it’s less of a coral and more of a “vermilion”. Vermilion is just coral plus mud. Get over yourself, vermilion.

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Imagine it speaking to you.

The key is balance. Use these pieces with solid colors—-when in doubt, go with black or white. This foldover clutch from seller frankandgertrude is just the right amount of teal to accent your outfit. Plus it’s kinda green too. WHAT? We can’t all be Pantone-perfect.

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For rainy-day three-legged races.

Is it raining? I hope so, because I want a pair of these super-sweet boots from seller PuddlesNRainbows (spoiler alert: they come in other colors too, and are laughably expensive for footwear specifically designed to wear on gross days).

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Chevrons are SO IN RIGHT NOW. Or they were.

To zip up, lock in, and nail down the best color combo since lemon + stone, snag this geometric necklace from seller PureImpressions. I have nothing else to say about it. Just buy it.

Love,
The Maven

FASHION FRIDAY: Fabulous and Sparkly

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

You’re welcome in advance.

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This just makes me want to glue mirrors on my face and dance around.

Start your evening off right with this bangin’ bag from seller ppChow. It promises mystery and intrigue like you will find in William Gibson’s Neuromancer. It is SO rainbow.

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One for you, one for your friend, one for pure awesome.

In the same vein, this rainbow quartz necklace from seller FawningInLove will transform you into a fairy, no questions asked. Each crystal is full of wishes. I guarantee it.

glitter phone case
iGlitter. uGlitter. We so fancy.

I’m also a big fan of this sparkle-sprayed iPhone case from seller ihomegift, though I roll with an HTC, not an iPhone. Something about multicolored glitter just gets me every time. It may be my inner six-year-old struggling furiously to get free.

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These flats are your father.

Finish off your fabulousness with these insane Darth Vader flats from seller NerdStyle. It doesn’t even matter if you like Star Wars that much or not. You’ll attract all sorts of attention*.

As always, let me know if you buy something! Then I can start calling myself a “tastemaker”.

*mostly from men who live in their mothers’ basements.

FASHION FRIDAY: Summer Camp

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

It’s that time of year again. Today I pack up the trusty laptop and head into the wilds of Barnesville, Ohio, to shepherd 80 unruly teens and pre-teens through a four-week musical journey.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it sounds. Speaking of cool:

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Great for dosing unruly campers.

Buy me this polyhedron necklace from seller ohBIJOUXpt, and then I will need nothing else for the rest of my days. Seriously, it has a glass vial. I’m imagining this as the vial Juliet used to hold her “poison”. She was super fashionable.

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The moment I put this on, it would be ruined.

Also obsessing over this bow dress from oukymmik. You can’t wear anything nice at camp because the kids and the cows and the mud and the sweat destroy everything, but it’s fun to dream.

Anyway, it’s a short one today! I’m heading to the airport. Catch you next Friday under the hot camp sun! If you need me, you can always get in touch at lianna@theenglishmaven.com.

FASHION FRIDAY: Miniature Masterpieces

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

When was the last time you put needle to tiny palette and created a Scrabble tile-sized painting? Exactly. Today on Fashion Friday, we pay homage to the little things–the really little things.

Your neck-st vacation.
Your neck-st vacation.

Little like this necklace from seller ARTDORA, painted with acrylic on a 1.2″ wooden disc. It’s like a tiny meadowlands escape around your neck. An itty bitty $40 getaway!*

*Imagination not included.

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“Trash? No, this is art.”

If acrylic isn’t your medium of choice, try these elegant lariat earrings from seller EmilyJeffords. Jeffords makes a miniscule ink painting, then mounts it on a brass pendant and wraps it with silver wire, effectively turning your ears into portable art museums. Make sure to clean behind them in the shower before you put these on, because people will be up close and personal all day.

Go Ask Alice meets Alice in Wonderland.
Go Ask Alice meets Alice in Wonderland.

Just kidding–I know elegance isn’t your thing, you filthy animal. Me neither! That’s why I really like this weird ring from seller rins. It’s a reproduction of his tiny painting “Cigarette Break,” which inexplicably features a girl in a bunny hat giving you serious side-eye. Plus she has a rolling horse toy. I love her.

What's that? I can't ear you.
What’s that? I can’t ear you.

To cap things off on an even stranger note, I offer you this portrait pendant from seller ChronoMachina. You may recognize its occupant as the inimitable Vincent van Gogh, who here displays his good side. As in, the side that still has an ear.

Bet you didn’t expect to go there!