FASHION FRIDAY: All of the Stripes

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

In honor of my friend, Tory, who suggested I write about stripes today because we are both currently wearing stripes:

Here are some stripes.

Piano Dress?
TOO CHIC; CAN’T HANDLE

In the category of Things I Can’t Afford That Also Happen To Look Like Pianos, I give you this dress by seller iheartfink. It’s so impossibly chic, the seller even named it after Paris. Pretty sure you have to ask the fashion police permission before you put it on.

Urkel Shirt
Get picked out of your next lineup!

New for the Urkel in your life: this vintage shirt graciously offered us by seller ApplePickerVintage. It’s so hip, you can’t wear it into old folks’ homes because they get jealous.

Get it?

Okay, next.

Beach Hat
Doubles as a beach umbrella, backpack, and fruit basket.

Go nuts at the beach with this monogrammable giant striped beach hat from weirdly-named seller GladevilleFarmhouse. You’ll be glad it has your initials on it, when everyone else is wearing the same hat! Just kidding. That won’t ever happen.

80s Striped Knit
Killing it.

The last striped item is less about this striped knit shirt from seller VintageReBelle, and more about the fact that I would like this girl to be my best friend, please. Penetrating scowl? Check. Perfect bangs? Check. Portrait of sassy unicorn in immediate vicinity? Check, check, and check.

If you wear a lot of stripes–or you happen to be my new best friend above–holler at me in the comments!

FASHION FRIDAY: How to Wear Pink and Green Together (Correctly)

Fashion Friday #fashionfridayLook at me. What I am about to say is very important.

Pink and green do not “go together”. Unlike lemon and stone, teal and coral, or even pink and gold, pink and green were not made to be worn simultaneously. This became painfully clear to me as a pre-teen, when all of my friends were pairing hot pink Abercrombie shorts with lime green American Eagle polos. No, I no longer have those friends.

HOWEVER–should you be on a desert island where the only clothing options are the aforementioned hues–there is one way to wear pink and green together. It all hinges on shade and proportion: namely, which shades of green and pink you choose to pair, and how much of each you wear.

Let’s dive into some color theory:

Emerald Pencil Skirt
Pleats and thank you.

The first thing you want to choose is your primary color. Want to do a lot of pink with a touch of green? Fine. Prefer to mainline some emerald tones with a rose accent here and there? Good. Start with this silky pencil skirt from seller LittleByrdShop, which does not come with a sun-drenched, Instagrammed-all-to-hell backyard.

Beige Top
Ignore the terrifying crotch problem and focus on the shirt.

Next, add a neutral top in a similar fabric–beige is always a good bet, so you look like a garden party come to life. I’m enjoying this basic blouse from seller AryaStyles. You’ll want to tuck it in. Don’t be a schlub.

Rose Scarf
Rich people love things like this!

Since so far it’s all solids, you may wear one (1) pattern with this outfit. I suggest something like this scarf from seller LePetitMonkey, who is way cooler than I will ever be.

Rose Quartz Earrings
Rose before bros.

Top off the whole shebang with some classy earrings in any of the above colors, like this pretty rose quartz pair from seller NaturalGlam. But for the love of all that is sacred and holy, don’t bring blue into this.

FASHION FRIDAY: Animal Style

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

No, we’re not talking about In-N-Out Burger. We’re talking about the plethora of animal-themed Etsy items, and how I want ALL OF THEM.

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Send your clingy girlfriend a message.

Case in point: this amazeballs sloth ring from seller CuriousBurrow. Would I wear it? Well, I really don’t know. Would I cherish its little sloth face until it disintegrated? Categorically yes.

Catalope Leggings
Walk away AND freak people out. #winning

Same goes for these absurd “Wild Catalope” leggings from seller barkdecor. I grew up believing in jackalopes, so I would have no problem busting these out and convincing the less-mentally-endowed and oxygen-deprived-at-birth that catalopes are real.

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Baby animals, grown-up style.

Also digging this woodland animals dress from seller ShugaRose. I spy deer, owls, and maybe a fox or two in there. And since it’s black and white, it goes with literally anything…including everything from this post. You’re welcome.

Lion Skull Necklace
Don’t leave this lion around.

Last in this post but decidedly first in my heart, this lion skull necklace from seller LostApostle is fucking #FIERCE. Not only is it like you’re channeling your inner ferociousness, it’s like you killed that ferociousness, ate it, and then hung it from your neck. DONE. Show me pictures of your own awesome animal style!

FASHION FRIDAY: Back, and Still Rude

A love letter to the last week of summer camp (in haiku form, because who has time to read a whole letter?):

O camp, I love you
However: it’s time to go
I have camper plague

You can blame the aforementioned plague for the lack of Fashion Friday in your lives and inboxes last week. Though I still sound like an asthmatic Fran Drescher, I peeled myself out of bed to find some stuff to ridicule for you. It might be my giant tonsils, but I’m feeling harsh.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Here we go:

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Not a right triangle in any sense of the term.

This triangle-shaped leather backpack from 20twentyvintage is on the theme-curated front page of Etsy today. I’m not sure if the theme was “Back to the Future” or “Things That Make You Uncomfortable But You Can’t Put Your Finger on Why.” Maybe because this backpack looks like it should (or used to) have fingers of its own.

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Price cut!!! Buy me one thousand please.

Zing bang. NEXT. Trolling the “Recently Listed Items” section yielded this handcrafted miracle of modern fabric-work, from coyly named seller ScarfMood. After browsing the fraying catastrophes in the rest of the store, I’m looking forward to seeing this seller’s next brainchild: perhaps a sheer leopard-print scarf accented with lace? No, wait, they did that already.

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My next album cover

In case your friends don’t know you’re cool yet, pop on this be-Lennoned baseball shirt from seller cottonclick. I’ve never seen a cat look more like a bug, and you’ll never look like a bigger tool.

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Will you marry me? GTFO.

To finish up your weekly dose of WTF, have a look at this “ring” from seller elsahats. Making jewelry: no longer just an art form. Just grab a rock, some string, and your nearest gumball-machine prize ring. Put them together and call it “tribal”! If someone pays $10 for this, I’m quitting writing.

Love,

Your resident curmudgeon Maven

FASHION FRIDAY: April Showers

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Now Entering Rainville, Population: Blah.

I can only thrust my feet into my sole (GET IT) pair of rainboots and sling on my raincoat so many times before plunging into a deep puddle of depression. Luckily, Etsy offers a few remedies, for those of you with play money.

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Elegant waif not included.

This killer raincoat by seller BridgetBergmanDesign will make you into a rain pixie, or thunder elf, or whatever else you want to call “not looking like you’re wearing a Hefty bag”. Unfortunately, this dream comes at a…precipitously high price.

Rimshot.

Hey rain. Let's tango.
Hey rain. Let’s tango.

Anyway, if your rainy-day budget is a little lower but you still want to feel fabulous, and you happen to wear a size 8 (ladies; sorry, fabulous menfolk), check out these vintage galoshes from seller purevintageclothing. Are they rain boots? Cowboy boots? Impermeable rubber shitkickers? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Olive a little.
Olive a little.

This geometric green Totes rain scarf from seller luola channels Grace Kelly straight onto your head/neck (I’m envisioning it draped over my perfectly coiffed hair, with a pair of oversized sunglasses and some poor schmuck to carry my many, many shopping bags). It repels the rain! It is made of magic.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait...I mean...
WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS MURDER. Wait…I mean…

Last but not least, I would kill a child for this Morton Salt Girl umbrella from seller REdesignkc. Look at my face. I’m not kidding.

What are you wearing to get you through spring showers?

FASHION FRIDAY: Relax.

Fashion Friday #fashionfriday

Guten magen, all mein little lieblings! This week’s Fashion Friday is sponsored by Anxiety Attax. I capitalized that phrase because I am totally starting a band with that name. It’ll be the next big thing; you heard it here first.

No, for real–and I think I’ve said this before–sometimes clothes can make a big difference in calming you down when life pelts you with giant rock-hard lemons. Here are my Etsy picks for ultimate comfort accessories and clothes (benzodiazepines not included):

What’s up, sloth? Oh you know, JUST HANGIN OUT

Seriously slow your roll with this soft jersey scarf from seller ZenThreads, which features the godfather of all “DILLIGAF” animals: the majestic sloth. Recently, I learned that sometimes sloths mistake their own arms for branches, grab at themselves, and fall to their deaths. But they’re not stressing about it, so why should you?

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Going nowhere fast

Next we have socks, from seller GraceandLaceCo. Why socks? Because you wear socks when you don’t have a single obligation. Shoes are for getting stuff done. Socks, on the other hand, are for deliberate shirking-of-duties, or celebration when aforementioned duties are completed. The higher the sock, the more you chill. Time-tested, Lianna-approved. This pair has tassels, allowing your legs to double as cat toys.

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Precipitously adorable.

If you feel like your parade is constantly being rained on, try pinning on this brooch by seller MySelvagedLife. Shaped like a cloud but made of maps, it’s a little reminder that the world is bigger than your current troubles. Clearly it’s working, because these little finds are on pre-order.

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KAPOW

Since you’re presumably still naked after my first three picks, slip on this kickass vintage wrap dress from seller MEMORAREvintage. Its gorgeous blue will lighten your mood, and the red contrast lining makes it impossible not to start constructing your superhero background story. And it’s a wrap dress, so forget about sizing anxiety. I’m actually kind of worried about listing this here because I so badly want to buy it.

I would have written a post about how I really de-stress, but the word “CHOCOLATE” isn’t really a post by itself.

So how do you relax?