Welcome, weary holiday shopper!
Are things feeling like Just a Bit Too Much? Would you like to hit pause on the shrieking deluge of bad news gushing into your eyeballs every day? Has walking into traffic started to seem like an attractive diversion from the clown car that is American politics?
Well, good news! The holidays are coming up, so you’re societally required to buy something thoughtful for somewhere around 15-20 people, even though none of you wants anything more than a long winter’s nap that ends with a bang when the universe enters the throes of its vast, glorious heat death.
While we wait, here’s a gift guide to help you along:
Gift Idea #1: Lotion
Lotion is a great gift for someone you don’t know well, because most people have skin. Cheryl in HR has been coming to work since November 6 with dry, red patches around her dead, defeated eyes, so lotion might be just the ticket.
Gift Idea #2: Candle
A lovely scented candle can help engage your recipient’s powerful sense of smell, bringing them back to the present, and out of their vivid reverie about what life will be like as a Handmaid.
Gift Idea #3: Scarf
A festively printed scarf or pocket square is a classic gift — and even better, it doesn’t carry the risk of having to guess someone’s clothing size! Shop directly from your favorite Italian designer, and do it soon, because incoming tariffs might add a 20-60% markup.
Gift Idea #4: Bourbon
It’s true that gifts of alcohol may not always be welcome. But bourbon isn’t just a delicious beverage to dull the realization that 77 million of your fellow countrymen and women voted for a rapist grifter. It’s also highly flammable!
Gift Idea #5: Attractive Bundle of All of the Above
This gift takes a bit of assembly, but the end result is highly eye-catching.
First, open the bourbon and take a swig. Then, stuff the end of the scarf into the bottle top. Light the candle, and breathe in its calming cedar-and-sage scent for a few moments before allowing the flame to creep onto the trailing end of the scarf.
Now you have the most beautiful gift of all: a homemade Molotov cocktail to smash against the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during the upcoming riots.
GIFT TIP: Directly after deploying your holiday device, apply a squirt of lotion to your hands. When the riot police pin you to the ground, simply slide your wrists out of the cuffs and run.
Gift Idea #6: Bail Money
Ask Santa ahead of time.
